Post a Joke Thread - Page 31

**bazzer** · #**601** 28-01-2012, 11:45 PM

A farmer who wants a divorce goes to see a lawyer, the farmer says "oi wants to get one o them dayvorces" Lawyer..."Do you have grounds? Farmer..."Yes i gots me 40 acres" Lawyer "No you dont understand, do you have a suit?" Farmer..."Yes, oi wears it to church on sundays" Lawyer..."No, i mean do you have a grudge? Farmer..."Yes thats were me parks me tractor" Lawyer..."Does your wife beat you up?" Farmer..."No we both get up at 5.30" Lawyer gets annoyed and tries one last question..."Is your wife a nagger?..."No she`s white but the baby`s a nagger, thats why me wants a feckan dayvorce

**bazzer** · #**602** 29-01-2012, 06:57 PM

Jock takes his wife2 casualty. She's no teeth, a broken nose & 2black eyes. Dr says wots happened? Jock says
"Shes was going thru the change."
Dr says
"That doesnt happen with the change."
Jock replies
"It does when its in my fucking pocket

**MADCHESTER CITY** · #**603** 30-01-2012, 07:52 PM

Crackers those mate

**imperial109** · #**604** 30-01-2012, 09:27 PM

Dalglish, Wenger, Redknapp, Boas and Fergie all sitting in a pub. Wenger goes up to the bar and buys the first round, Boas buys the second, Redknapp buys the third (via his accountant), Fergie buys the fourth and Kenny buys the fifth but does not return with a drink for Fergie.

"Where's mine?" Fergie asks.

"Sorry" says Kenny, "this is the fifth round and your not in it."

**manUdave** · #**605** 31-01-2012, 05:08 PM

old but still funny

**Sharky** · #**606** 03-02-2012, 04:47 PM

My sex addiction therapist said this morning that she was impressed with my progress and I no longer see women as sexual objects. I recognise their needs and am sensitive to their inner feelings.

Sounds to me like she wants me to do her up the arse.

**Sharky** · #**607** 03-02-2012, 04:48 PM

LONELY HEARTS

Premature ejaculator, seeks young blonde female with massive ti...............
Wait, hang on, it doesn't matter!!!!

**Sharky** · #**608** 03-02-2012, 04:48 PM

I saw my girlfriends Heat magazine on the table and on the cover it said, '101 tips to please your man'

Unless each tip ends with...'and suck his penis' then it's all lies.

**adam_ayres1988** · #**609** 03-02-2012, 06:49 PM

A joke in video form

FSi Embedded Video - Visit Source

**MADCHESTER CITY** · #**610** 04-02-2012, 01:21 PM

John Terry has described losing the England captaincy as the most disappointing thing to happen to him since he ran out of petrol on the way to Wayne Bridge's house

**imperial109** · #**611** 04-02-2012, 03:06 PM

John Terry has been stripped of the England captaincy again.

Taking the past into account, this must make Terry a frontrunner to be the new England captain.

**jabdc5** · #**612** 07-02-2012, 10:42 AM

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?
He went round killing all the gingers.

**bazzer** · #**613** 07-02-2012, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jabdc5

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?
He went round killing all the gingers.

hahaha like it

**Tats** · #**614** 09-02-2012, 03:53 PM

Ian Paisley has been diagnosed with Alzheimers disease. He was last seen marching up the Shankill road shouting "NO REMEMBER!"

**MADCHESTER CITY** · #**615** 09-02-2012, 06:03 PM

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special
day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot

**MADCHESTER CITY** · #**616** 09-02-2012, 06:04 PM

my friend just opened an Italian funeral parlour it's called pasta way

**zola** · #**617** 10-02-2012, 01:43 PM

In a Tottenham church on Sunday morning a
preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who
wants to be prayed over, please come forward
to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his
turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you
want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for
help with my hearing." The preacher put one
finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then
prayed and prayed and the whole congregation
joined in with great enthusiasm
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his
hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is
your hearing now?"

"I don't know", Leroy answered, " i t ain't 'til
Thursday."

**MADCHESTER CITY** · #**618** 11-02-2012, 05:38 PM

I went to a Stroke Support Charity match today - I won't lie, it was the most one sided match I have ever seen

**MADCHESTER CITY** · #**619** 11-02-2012, 05:39 PM

Bloke waiting on a bone marrow transplant hears there is a donor in Argentina!
The operation goes ahead and is successful.
When he has recovered he decides to write to thank him.
He starts the letter: "Dear Diego, marrow donor..."

I'll get my coat!

**MADCHESTER CITY** · #**620** 11-02-2012, 05:39 PM

My wife was devastated when her PIP breast implant ruptured, leaking industrial grade silicone..... However, now she's had her nipple pierced, we've been able to seal around the bath, kitchen sink and toilet cistern...!!