Post a Joke Thread - Page 3

**david youlden** · #41 22-01-2010, 08:28 PM

How come I keep getting Einstein

**roller coaster** · #42 03-02-2010, 03:49 PM

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

**barry69922898** · #43 03-02-2010, 06:53 PM

Fabio Capello's just phoned wayne bridge and said ''John Terrys lost the captains arm band''. Bridge goes ''Ok boss i will check under the bed''.

**Tats** · #44 03-02-2010, 07:07 PM

Chelsea wherever you may be
Don't leave your wife with John Terry
He cannot shoot
And he can't fucking pass
But he'll take your missus up the arse.

**stuben1980** · #45 04-02-2010, 07:43 PM

Fabio Cappello is expected to name Gary Neville as the new England captain.

This is based on the fact that he hasnt got a chance of shaggin anyones bird

**stuben1980** · #46 04-02-2010, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tats

Chelsea wherever you may be
Don't leave your wife with John Terry
He cannot shoot
And he can't fucking pass
But he'll take your missus up the arse.

Chelsea wherever you may be.
Dont leave your wife with John Terry
His dad deals coke
And his mam steals tea
He cried when he missed a penalty.

**stuben1980** · #47 04-02-2010, 08:46 PM

what does the luzhiniki stadium in moscow and venessa perroncel have in common?

john terry slipped in both their boxes

**bill.glentoran** · #48 11-02-2010, 09:12 PM

teacher is in a classroom.she says"tommy you were off yesterday,why"
tommy replies"my grandad got burned miss"
teacher says "was it serious?"
tommy says "yes miss they dont fuck about at the crematorium"

**Begbie** · #49 12-02-2010, 11:24 PM

Terrorist Escalation

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "p### Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

And in the southern hemisphere ...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level

**Burdock** · #50 12-02-2010, 11:29 PM

Not seen that one for a while begs..... a classic!!

**zola** · #51 13-02-2010, 02:33 PM

Portsmouth.... The only club that WANTS fans to throw money at players!

**evertone** · #52 19-02-2010, 02:40 PM

Chaos reigns at the winter olympics.
After the death in the luge,the irish bobsleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted!!

**steveinlowton** · #53 20-02-2010, 11:44 AM

FSi Embedded Video - Visit Source

**Raff67** · #54 20-02-2010, 09:53 PM

Conjoined Aberdeen Twins, Wullie and Alec...

An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins.

Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.

Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?

Wullie: Fit like? Aye, that's right, min. We've been coming every September wikend for the last 9 years.

Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?

Wullie: Na na loon, it nearly ayeways pishes doon fan we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, is that nae right, Alec min?

Alec: Aye.

Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy.

Wullie: Na na min, yer food's mingin, a�thing reeks o� garlic. We've brought a box full of rolls and pies to avoid eating your shite.

Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely.

Wullie: Yer drink�s shite as well, we've hid ti bring a carry oot. Thats right, eh Alec?

Alec: Aye.

Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe .

Wullie: Awa ye gype � the lassies here are dogs, we widna touch them wi a ten fit pole min.

Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?

Wullie: It's the only chance 'oor Alec gets to drive.

**roller coaster** · #55 20-02-2010, 10:05 PM

Conjoined Aberdeen Twins, Wullie and Alec...

very funny

**zola** · #56 25-02-2010, 03:57 PM

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her
Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I
can do?"
"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her
Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth

And allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies
room."

**joe2jacks** · #57 25-02-2010, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zola

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her
Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I
can do?"
"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her
Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth

And allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies
room."

nice one zola, had me in tears that, also the chesea wag fookin a++

**zola** · #58 26-02-2010, 08:16 PM

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.??

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,?and??

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!??

I'm pretty sure Mike Tyson ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"??

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative??

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!?

**zola** · #59 28-02-2010, 01:58 AM

Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring
around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they
passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you
would beinterested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex
freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

**deadlywill** · #60 28-02-2010, 01:06 PM

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.

Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"