Post a Joke Thread - Page 2

**labpedro** · #21 23-11-2009, 07:57 PM

Statistically, 9 out of 10 goals scored at White Hart Lane today were by Spurs.

**deadlywill** · #22 28-11-2009, 03:10 PM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What’s that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

**deadlywill** · #23 28-11-2009, 03:12 PM

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his
wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with crushed aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it 's up to you.'

**zola** · #24 06-12-2009, 08:55 PM

More Tiger funnies.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn' t decide between a wood and an iron.

Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly but put me down for a 5."

It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gillette after admitting that his crash was the closest shave he had ever had.

A movie is being developed base on events, titled "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant".

EA Sports are releasing new Playstation game� "Tiger Woods 2010, Grand Theft Auto"

What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

**wakka839** · #25 06-12-2009, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by labpedro

Statistically, 9 out of 10 goals scored at White Hart Lane today were by Spurs.

Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape....

**Begbie** · #26 07-12-2009, 12:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mad-dog

Somebody stopped me in the street the other day and started telling me a joke, poverty, dirty water, dying Africans......I forgot the punchline though, something about �2 a month !

Very funny MD.

Two cows standing a field. How do you know which one is going on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

OK. You need an accent.

**stenelly** · #27 07-12-2009, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Begbie

Very funny MD.

Two cows standing a field. How do you know which one is going on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

OK. You need an accent.

and by god you have an accent. nice one begs,btw welcome home

**evertone** · #28 08-12-2009, 03:37 PM

Woman stows away on a ship so she can start a new life in America.
Three weeks later she is found and brought before the Captain.
He asks what are you doing on my boat.
She replies one of your sailors is stowing me away to America.
He brings me three meals a day and in return for all that i let him fuck me every night.
Captain replies hes fucking you all right this is the Larne to Stranraer ferry..

**roller coaster** · #29 15-12-2009, 11:30 PM

During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin

When asked why he had such a long password, he said

"Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital"

**manUdave** · #30 15-12-2009, 11:33 PM

Ha Ha Ha

**roller coaster** · #31 16-12-2009, 12:14 AM

Your Role Model.

This is amazing --- It only takes a minute.....

Find out who truly is your Role Model.

Don't scroll down yet.

Do the simple maths below,then scroll down to find your hero.

It's crazy how accurate this is! No peeking!

1. Pick your favourite number between 1-9
2. Multiply by 3 then
3. Add 3
4. Then again multiply by 3. You will get a two or three digit number...
5. Add the digits together.

Now scroll down.............

With that number see who your role model is from the list below:-

1. Albert Einstein.
2. Oprah Winfrey.
3. David Beckham.
4. Bill Clinton.
5. Bill Gates.
6. Mother Theresa.
7. Brad Pitt.
8. Gordon Brown.
9. Roller Coaster.
10. John. F. Kennedy.

I know I know (scary). I just have that effect on people. One day if you work hard and pay attention you too can be just like me... Why are you laughing?

Stop picking different numbers!!!! I am your Idol...Just deal with it!!!!

**Tats** · #32 19-12-2009, 12:34 AM

The local vicar just came round to my house with a collection box and said 'Any change?' I said 'No....Evolution is still right, Jesus is still dead and you're still a thieving ****! now fuck off'

**Tats** · #33 31-12-2009, 12:15 PM

Should be easy to discover which premier ship manager was caught visiting a brothel.

If he paid for an hour but then demanded 68 minutes it's Fergie!
If the girl got undressed but he didn't see it, it's Wenger!
If he didn't pay the VAT it's 'Arry!
If he didn't perform but said it would be better next time, it's Rafa!
If he got it up but it went down quickly, it's McCarthy!
If he paid for the cheapest girl and said it was a bargain, it's Moyes!
If he paid a fortune but left early, it's Hughes!

**zola** · #34 31-12-2009, 11:13 PM

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking, getting blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

**manUdave** · #35 11-01-2010, 05:39 PM

Freezing temperatures in Liverpool this morning. Reports say it was so cold a scouser was seen with his hands in his own pockets!

**zola** · #36 12-01-2010, 01:03 PM

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

**roller coaster** · #37 13-01-2010, 12:17 AM

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and
> we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
>
>
> Some doctor on T.V. this morning said that the way to achieve inner
>
> peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around
>
> my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before
>
> leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
>
> bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage
>
> of Prunglies, tha emainder of both Prozic and Valum prscripshuns, the res of the Chesescke an a box o chocolets.
>
> Yu haf no ida hwo fkin gud I feel
>
> Peas sen dis orn to dem yur frens woo ar in ned ov inr pece.
>

**Tats** · #38 15-01-2010, 08:16 PM

The President of Haiti would like to express his deep gratitude to all Liverpool fans for the 2 hours silence they observed during the match against Reading.

**hoddle10** · #39 21-01-2010, 06:07 PM

i went to a charity disco in aid of people born with no lower limbs,the dance floor was crawling with fanny.

**david youlden** · #40 22-01-2010, 08:20 PM

Best laugh Ive had in ages fellas Ball race . Tom cat with a head start on a vet