Post a Joke Thread

[roller coaster]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken".

[Sharky]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully, you fucking dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!

[roller coaster]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!



'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.




"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[revolver]

An Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

[bazzer]

a little boy runs into the bathroom standing nake d is his mum ,the little boy stares wide eyed ,mum what is that hairy thing he asked , oh that is my face cloth she replies , at that the little leave the toilet , a little while later the little boy runs into his mums bedroom ,she is standing naked ,the little boy stares wide eyed , mum where is your face cloth , startled she replies i lost it , -i'll find it for you mum says the little boy , -a short time later he runs into his mums bedroom ,he shouts i found your face cloth mum ,, bemused she askes him where he found it , oh the babysitter is washing dads face with it

[Sharky]

Rafa Benitez was stopped by the police lastnight for speeding.

He told the officer that he would do anything for 3 points

[revolver]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sharky

Rafa Benitez

That was more than enough. boom boom!

[gazela]

Paddy goes into PC world looking for curtains for is pc, the assistant says you don't need curtains for a computer !.
Paddy says "HELLO it's got fucking Windows".

[gazela]

Paddy was asked if he preferred legs or breasts ..... he replied he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies !!.
He was politely informed that this was not an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket!!!!

[revolver]

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Connor, were walking home on afternoon when they bumped into two Englishmen, John and Paul. Paul was carryng a huge fish. Paddy asked where they'd acquired such a fine fish.

Paul said "Simple, John here held my feet over the bridge in town and i waited for a fish to come back and WHAM. Just grabbed it. Give it a go"

So Paddy and Connor did just that. Connor held Paddy's feet over the bridge and they waited. And waited... And waited.

Suddenly Paddy yells out "Quick ya fecker, pull me up!!"

Connor asks "Have you caught on at last?"

"No!" Paddy exclaims, "The fecking trains comin!!"

[Sharky]

Guess the punchline:

Colleen went into labour so Wayne rang the hozzy

"She is in labour her contractions are five minutes apart" he says

the woman on the phone asks "is this her first child?"

Wayne replies......

[revolver]

No, this is her husband.


Boooo to sharky.

[Sharky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by revolver

No, this is her husband.


Boooo to sharky.

Well boo to you too, hope you get the flu from living in an igloo.

[revolver]

You smell of poo, sticky doggy-do.

[zola]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR
LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND
WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS
AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO
OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO
UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW,
I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS
LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A
'A WITCH ??. .
'WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE
NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND
FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

[gazela]

Two gays in a car on the M1, a lorry shunts them from the back.
The passenger furiously gets out of the car, goes straight too the truckers door flings it open hands on hips shouts at the trucker "i'm gonna sue your arse".
Trucker replies "suck my dick" gay rushes back to the car and says to his friend "i've settled out of court".

[mad-dog]

Somebody stopped me in the street the other day and started telling me a joke, poverty, dirty water, dying Africans......I forgot the punchline though, something about £2 a month !

[joe2jacks]

i was driving in my car when i came to a roundabout i thought the way was clear so i pulled out then from out of nowhere a car passed me, having nearly hit him he stopped and came over to the car, to my surprise it was a little person, i rolled down the window and he roared up at me "i'm not happy"
oh sorry i said, which one are you then

[zola]

A guy goes into a dentist's office. The dentist says, "How can I help you?"

The guy says, "I'm a moth."

The dentist says, "Excuse me?"

The guy says again, "I'm a moth."

The dentist says, "I think maybe you should be seeing a psychiatrist, not a dentist."

The guy says, "I saw a psychiatrist."

The dentist says, "So what are you doing here?"

The guy says... "Your light was on.

[manUdave]

Two mates having a drink in the pub. One says if i went to your house while you were at work, shagged your wife, sucked her tits, muffed her duff & she got pregnant would that make us related? Mate replies dunno about related but it would definitely make us even....