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Footballers to help Mido
With their huge wage packets, arrogant attitudes, colossal stupidity, strange fondness for MMMMMF love trysts and habit of all sleeping with each other's girlfriends, it's easy to forget that footballers are people just like the rest of us.
But top Premier League players have shown that they do have a heart after all, by coming to the aid of a footballer who has fallen on tragically hard times.
When the news emerged that West Ham United had signed the Egyptian star Mido on a pitiful £1,000-a-week deal, top footballers put club rivalries and paternity tests aside to rally round the beleaguered forward.
"It really makes you sit up and think," said Rio Ferdinand. "Only a year or so ago, we played against Wigan, where he was at the time, and he was doing great. He was on 25, 30 - okay, nothing special, but enough to get by.
"To see him reduced to living on the money a GP or top civil servant would get, well.."
Rio was briefly too upset to speak, but eventually recovered enough to continue, dabbing at his eyes with a hankie made from ripped-up pieces of a Van Gogh canvas.
"I even went round his house once," said the Manchester United defender. "We had a quiet evening in - I think we filled his koi carp lake with caviar for a merk. And now he's ended up like this."
"I heard he don't even have a yacht, poor b***ard," added Joe Cole.
But out of the understandable shock at the plight of Mido has emerged a determination to do something. The footballer, humanitarian and Welshman Craig Bellamy takes up the story.
"See, right," said Bellamy. "A bunch of us have got together and we're having an appeal for Mido to get him just a few essentials. Michael Owen donated one of his old Porsches, Steven Gerrard very kindly gave a Rolex and a diamond the size of a massive Rottweiler turd, and a couple of the Chelsea lads had a rummage around and got him a slightly used FHM cover model to tide him over until he's back on his feet again."
Rio is planning a charity single with 50 Cent to raise money for Mido, and the PFA has asked that every fan attending a match this weekend makes a suggested donation of five pounds as an emergency fund for the Egyptian.
A minute's silence will be held at grounds around the country prior to kick-offs this weekend.
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